Wednesday, December 9, 2009

FRAGMENTS OF A MIDWEEK MORNING


I woke to my husband singing a perversion of a Guns n Roses song. Instead of whatever the words were supposed to be, he was inserting lyrics praising my breasts.

My dog is now perched on my lap, having dashed to me for protection when my taller half opened the door to the laundry room. That's where she gets her baths, so the grease beast hates that room.

Pipes do not unfreeze themselves. Time to call someone to do it. Halfhearted prayer is not the key to fluid flow. Even if you thank the Lord in advance for "the moisture [you] might receive" upon thaw.

No matter the season, I demand to sleep with the overhead fan on. Something to do with the ambient noise the kasheesties in my head are fond of.

I drank the last of the soy milk yesterday, forgot to get more at the store last night, so cereal doesn't look like an option unless I want to add the cow's milk I purchased for my husband. I would prefer the soy milk, but I want the weird generic cereal something awful. Or maybe I want a wheat English muffin sandwich with egg whites, feta and salsa. Or maybe a grapefruit. Or maybe a whole lot of string cheese. Or maybe Egg in Basket. Or maybe . . .

Why the breasts song? (My man would argue that there doesn't ever need to be a reason.) I made a deal with The Husband that if he would be cool about my upping the downstairs thermostat to 82 degrees, I would sleep naked (which I find incredibly uncomfortable). Of course he thought that was a great idea, as it's that much easier to get in my pants when I'm not wearing any.

Why the heat so high?
Well, it was part of my wishful strategy for The Great Thaw. However, I wussed out in the middle of the night and turned it back down to 68 where it belongs. Wasn't going to work anyhow, and I was pretty sure of that to begin with.

•••

P.S. A confession: I tried. I'm still trying. But I really wanted it. And it was only $20 with shipping. And it was in my size. Do you know how hard it is to find these without needing to have them sized?

I'm a failure. I need online shopping rehabilitation.

20 comments:

Jodi said...

Sometimes failure is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

NatTheFatRat said...

We have a rule at our house that the husband is NOT allowed to make up lyrics to songs. It's a good one.

Don't you find that December is the best time to shop for yourself? It takes the pressure off your loved ones to get you the "perfect gift" because you already got it for yourself! So I fully endorse that gorgeous cocktail ring, because now your husband will feel at peace. Win-Win, friend.

(Antlers are SO in right now. And yes, I have a pair still attached to scalp hanging over our bed and it took Peter a solid week before he felt comfortable being in the same room with them.)

Sparks said...

Whew! Thanks, Natalie. I am at peace.

And please don't think I was being anything but silly about the antlers.

NatTheFatRat said...

Course! I think I know you well enough to know that you'd appreciate a good high-brow antler.

Rae Lynne said...

How sweet that he made a song up about your bubbies!

rabidrunner said...

I'm viewing the Guns 'n Roses collection now to determine which song your dearest used to pay tribute.

Don't tell me! I'm gonna figure it out.

Why don't you send me the link to that ring so I can buy it for you for Christmas?

rabidrunner said...

Sweet Child O' Mine. That was just too darned easy.

"Oooh, woa ooh, Sweet Boobs of Mine."

rabidrunner said...

Or was it "Mr. Brownstone."

Sparks said...

I'm far to young to have any idea what song he was singing. Of course I'm far too young. The only reason I know it was Guns n Roses was because he told me later. I'm far too young.

And unfortunately, I broke my vow and bought the ring already.

I know. I know . . .

Jessica said...

You're never too young for Guns N Roses. Or old for that matter. Hello! November Rain. Remember that music video? Longest music video I've ever seen. Can't believe I just admitted that I've watched the whole thing...

rookie cookie said...

You are weak, weak, weak.

Sparks said...

Admittedly, Jessica, I'm not very into music. I've confessed to Rabid before that there are around 800 songs in my iTunes and that's it, but really, Guns n' Roses? I'm supposed to be familiar? I'm 27. I'd like to think that exempts me.

And yes, Whit. I am weak.

Jessica said...

Um, thanks for making me feel old. Rude.

Although, to be fair, my older brother introduced me to all sorts of music that a young child should not be introduced to: Guns N Roses, Beastie Boys, Metallica. I was 11 when he had me listen to all of these. To this day I love them all, but the song "Girls" by the Beastie Boys isn't something an 11 year old should know the words to.

Please tell me you have that song. It's awesome.

Sparks said...

Somewhere on a mixed disk from high school I have "Girls." Somewhere.

And you're not old. Your brother is.

Jessica said...

phew.

p.s. just saw the pic of the ring ('cause the stupid PC at internship is ancient and wouldn't load the picture). It's awesome. I would've caved too.

Lars said...

I am young than Megan and I am familiar with Axel and the boys. Although Axel is a Lord Summer's Eve. I love me some "Welcome to the Jungle."

What size are your phalanges on your paws? I have the same problem. It makes me quite side. My family jokes that I have child labor hands that are good for making soccer balls at top speed or fetching things from tight spaces. Ring size 4.5-5.

Sparks said...

This ring's for my middle finger on my right hand, and that's a 6. My wedding ring is a 4.5 though. We have little paws in my family. Like you!

Lars said...

*Sad not side wow. Sorry! See what happens when you get "mind effed" all day? Direct quote from the last PhD speaker listened to. 12 hrs of that and I am using blog commenting to unwind.

Yay for little paws. I like my small hands, makes it convenient to fetch things that fall between my car seats and the console.

Mrs. Pingel said...

Megan, I'm shopping vicariously through you. Shop on, my friend.

...Or you could get back in the saddle and keep your promise to the world (and yourself)... but how boring will that be?

Ryan said...

quite the lot of enablers you have here. i for one won't praise your for beckoning to your inner shopaholic. else what kind of motivation will we be in the future? after all "being accountable only to The Self and The Husband has never worked" and i'd hate to be among those added to the end of that list.

then again i don't do shame; gave it up years ago (and highly recommend it).

so this. you gave it a helluvan effort, so you should feel proud. after all you almost made it a month. which for you took a herculean effort. and, as good as it feels to have come clean, technically you could still send it back. ooh, or even better, you could have the snake dancer buy it instead and hand it over on obligatory gift giving day. see, i can be quite the justificationer, too.

as for the song, i'm going with paradise city. and i didn't even realize just how much until typing it out. genius.