RATIONS

• Someone please find me a chocolatier for a best friend. 

• The other day Jim was playing with Sophie and said, “I can see why this dog makes you happy.” I was glad. I like that even though she’s a major pest, my puppy is obviously a cool cat. 

• I made baked onion rings today. When I tasted them, I exclaimed, “Are you kidding me?” They were terrific. I mixed up some honey mustard to go with, and while eating every single ring, I got some ideas for how I’d alter the recipe next go ‘round.

• The medical office with which I’m doing lunch tomorrow requested I bring bagel dogs. Uh, okay.

• It’s warm enough for me to take the second comforter off my bed. But since I removed that blanket we’re gonna end up with a cold snap. Sorry Northern Nevada. I take full responsibility for the impending freezing weather.

• I always cut myself when I shave my legs. Sharp razor. Dull razor. No matter the razor, I always leave the shower with blood coursing down my paper-white legs.

• The following foods are really gross: mango, avocado, eggplant, coconut, mayonnaise, cream cheese, cream of shit soup (of any flavor), sour cream, kale, zucchini, passion fruit, papaya, booze, kalamata olives, prunes, sweet pickles, cooked cherries, green peppers, radicchio, kiwi, sushi, wasabi, crème brûlée, panna cotta, apricots, flan, panettone, cooked peas, buttermilk, sweet potatoes, Bavarian cream, raisins in baked goods, and Kombucha.

• I put myself down for a nap today, and before I did, I had to go downstairs to pour water over the rest of the brownies I baked. Else when I woke up I’d go downstairs and eat every last one. I always want to eat in bulk when I wake up.

• I try to wear red lipstick, I do. But I usually end up scrubbing it off as soon as I’ve put it on. Sometimes I have a really tough time taking my face seriously.

• For the world’s laziest Bikram yogi I sure do a lot of yoga laundry. 70% of my laundry each week is made up of tiny shorts, tinier tops, and the most disgusting towels in Sparks, Nevada.

• Seasonal allergies make me impressed by just how much snot my body can produce. With the volume of snot that’s in me, it’s a wonder that there’s any space for food. Then again, my body probably needs the calories so that it can put all its efforts into making astronomical amounts of snot.

• I like living alone. I'm not surprised by that. But I am glad. It would suck to live alone and be bummed out about it. It pleases me that I enjoy my own company.

• Per my Hannah’s recommendation, I bought Kerastase shampoo and conditioner. I have therefore spent the equivalent of next month’s mortgage payment on itty bitty bottles of French goop for my pixie-short hair.

• I’m doing great with not nibbling my nails. I haven’t bit into a fingernail in three months. But picking at my cuticles? Hmmm, can we talk about something else?

• Pink Lady are my favorite apples. Thanks for introducing me to them, Jessica.

• Someone just rang my doorbell. Don't do that. I'm a small, smart woman who lives alone; therefore, I will never answer my door when I'm home by myself. I'm not even going to get up and check to see who it is, lest I get caught. If you want to come over, text me first. If you don't have my cell number, we're not close enough for you to be coming to my house.