Wednesday, March 20, 2013


• As a general rule, the smaller the chili, the greater its heat. I’ve always liked that fact. I’m small. And I’ve got lotsa heat. 

Guess who didn’t get a pap smear today? That’s right, bichis—me! Today was the annual lady doctor appointment, so I did get some medical action down There, but no swipe across the cervix. It’s a disagreeable sensation, so I never feel pangs of disappointment when I don’t have to endure that little procedure. But there seems to be a trade-off. One of my bitty breasts has developed a lump. So I have to get a damned mammogram. Fret not, dear reader, the lump is mobile; nothing will be wrong. In fact, the doctor said that if my knockettes weren’t so tiny we wouldn’t have been able to find the pesky lump at all. He’s just practicing good medicine. Which means that next week I’ll have the privilege of trying to find enough boob mass to smash in the panini press at my local diagnostic center. Wish me luck. I can barely find enough boob mass to fill an A-cup brassiere.

The following foods are not gross: tiny yellow tomatoes, quinoa, Newman’s Own Light Balsamic Vinaigrette, candy, cucumbers, parmesan, feta, toasted pine nuts, lime anything, lemon anything, chocolate, candy, vegan marshmallows, arugula, plain soy milk, candy, those little Baby Bel cheese rounds, whole wheat pasta, black olives, Nutella, baguettes, dill pickles, cauliflower, cabbage, and candy.

Something can't be "very unique" or "really unique" or "truly unique" or "[insert other adverb here] unique." Unique means one of a kind. Something can't be "very one of a kind." It's one of a kind or it ain't.

• I got a new yoga top. Normally that wouldn’t be interesting, as I tend to buy yogawear with abandon. But this top is special. I’ve been after a single-strap yoga top for a while now, and I finally got me one. Susana’s a silver-tongued devil when it comes to getting people to buy new yoga gear. But I’ve no regrets. She guided me to a terrific purchase.

• There’s a reason you can’t find any of the Nice! brand rice crackers in Reno. I bought them all. Whenever I go into a Walgreens, I clean them out. So there's a tidy stockpile of rice crackers in my garage.

• It annoys me that I only speak one language.

I’ve had a crush on Jason Mraz for years. My Jessica-friend has fed that crush though many gifts of his music. That boy's lyrics snared me with words like “lugubrious” and mentions of ampersands. But Jason and I have been on a break recently. I couldn’t listen his music without reliving the feelings of abandonment and failure that were my constant reality during the months that led up to my divorce. But we’re back on. This week I’ve been delighted to discover that I can listen to that charming wordsmith’s crooning without getting bummed out. 


Sue said...

Good for you. I still can't listen to MJ.

Winder said...

If after your panini press they give you the choice to have a biopsy or remove the lump. Remove it! I had one in my left "nearly A". I opted for the biopsy. You should ask rabid what the bruising was like. Awful. The results of the biopsy were "inconclusive". I then had to suffer through a removal. I kept that lump in a jar for a while as some badge of courage or something.

tom lindsey said...

Læring Dansk er ikke svært

Megan said...

Tom: LIES! I hear it's VERY difficult.

Megan said...

Winder, you kept the lump? I do weird things. I kept my IUD when they pulled it out to replace it. But keeping a lump? That's hardcore.