A LITTLE LOVE LETTER TO THE CLASS DOUCHEBAG

[Warning: post does some cursing and utilizes unladylike language.]

Dear Arrogant Asshole on the blue mat,

When I say that you were my first, I’m not being coy. Truly sweetie, you’re the first utter douchebag I’ve ever had in yoga class. I’ve been doing this yoga thing for years, yet I’ve never experienced someone quite like you.

Admittedly, Bikram is the kind of yoga that is most likely to attract asshats like you, but even after these many months, it seems that you still don’t get how our hot yoga works. Bikram’s not like other yoga; it even gets criticized for not being like other yoga. But we Bikram yogis like it the way it is.

And here’s how it is: You move as a group.

For real . . . (read more)

NIGHTLIFE: THE HIGH SCHOOL CONFESSIONS, LETTER IX OF IX

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm sorry for sneaking out of the house with friends spending the night and pushing a car down the street before starting it so that you wouldn't hear it. We were leaving to carry out the escapades I've just been apologizing for.*

Mom, it was great fun when you were involved in our capers, but for those you weren't, I highly suspect you folks knew what we girls were doing and were just happy we weren't out getting drunk, stoned, or pregnant.

With regret,

Megan

*I have to thank Buffy for reminding me of most of these. The memory ain't what it used to be, and her reminding me of our adventures sparked this little series of confessions.

NIGHTLIFE: THE HIGH SCHOOL CONFESSIONS, LETTER VIII OF IX

Dear Richard Russell,

I am sorry for being the only girl in the car who would dare to bleach a very nasty word in your front lawn.

It must have been awfully embarassing waiting for that to grow out.

With regret,

Megan

NIGHTLIFE: THE HIGH SCHOOL CONFESSIONS, LETTER VII OF IX

Dear Whitney Nelson,

I'm sorry for helping to set up an entire living room on your front lawn and taking pictures with it.

And I'm sorry for toilet papering your house on more than one occasion.

And I'm especially sorry that we got caught.

With regret,

Megan

NIGHTLIFE: THE HIGH SCHOOL CONFESSIONS, LETTER VI OF IX

Dear Scott Whitaker and His Family,

I'm sorry for making it a regular habbit to penny tap your house with friends.

It must have been really annoying to hear incessant tapping on a regular basis and have no idea where it was coming from. And I'll bet it was eerie if you heard the accompanying laughter coming from somewhere near the bushes outside.

With regret,

Megan

NIGHTLIFE: THE HIGH SCHOOL CONFESSIONS, LETTER V OF IX

Dear Katie Clark,

I'm sorry for cooking up 45 packages of Ramen noodles and throwing them all over your front lawn with hopes they would be very yucky to clean up.

And Mom, I'm sorry for lifting that Ramen from your food storage downstairs.

With regret,

Megan

NIGHTLIFE: THE HIGH SCHOOL CONFESSIONS, LETTER IV OF IX

Dear Man on 800 North in Provo,

I'm sorry for stealing the giant bags of birdseed out of the back of your truck.

I'll bet you had grand, kind avian plans. But I needed it to scatter all over the walkway into Provo High School.

With regret,

Megan

NIGHTLIFE: THE HIGH SCHOOL CONFESSIONS, LETTER III OF IX

Dear Scott Ashton,

I'm sorry for the juvenile act of buying two packages of cocktail weiners and scattering them up your front walk with a note that said "Scott Ashton has a teeny weenie."

I actually have no idea what size your weenie is.

With regret,

Megan

NIGHTLIFE: THE HIGH SCHOOL CONFESSIONS, LETTER II OF IX

Dear City Worker or Concerned Neighborhood Parent,

I'm sorry that around 2AM one morning on Grandview Hill, I hopped out of a friends' car, dashed to a "Dip" sign and wrote "shit" on it.

I bet you had to use a lot of elbow grease to remove that permanent marker; but kudos to you, because within two days it was gone.

With regret,

Megan

NIGHTLIFE: THE HIGH SCHOOL CONFESSIONS, LETTER I OF IX

Dear Robert Schwartzman,

I am sorry for covering your front lawn in shredded newspaper pilfered from the Deseret News dumpsters. I'm sorry that we wet it down. See, the police officer that caught us "littering" in the dead of night said we had to. Said so after we told him that we had your mom's permission to do it because it was your birthday.

Seeing as it wasn't actually your birthday and we didn't actually have permission, I'm sure that when you woke up the next morning you were pretty bummed about the mess you had to clean up.

With regret,

Megan