Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I am at war with my husband’s upper respiratory tract. The thing is trying to kill me.

‘Round about six o’clock every night it gears up for an evening of driving me out of my mind. The nasal passage starts oozing snot such that my husband issues great sniffs—sounding more like warthog snorts—every couple minutes. Then his throat gets going and there are the intermittent clearing and coughs. Sniff. Snort. Sniff. Sniff. Clear. Cough. Sniff. Snort. Something about the evening gets his mucus going, and the sounds that come from his dealing with it make me want to end him.

Don’t think I don’t know how extreme that sounds. Right there I sound like a crazy person or one of those people who use the words “totally” and “literally” totally and literally all the time. You’re partially right. His sniffing morphs me into a crazy person who thinks about the beauty of blunt silence and the ways to make that happen.

Does all sniffing drive you out of your mind? my sister asked after uncovering my feelings.

Nope. Just his. And I can’t tell you certainly why that is. Probably because I experience his more than anyone else’s. But mostly I think it’s because he won’t do anything about it.

Apparently the sniffing and throat-clearing doesn’t bother him. If it did I think he’d blow his nose or something. But no. He sits and sniffs. And I end up huffing off the couch or out of my office to the bathroom where I grab a tissue or wad of toilet paper. I toss it at him, Blow. The sniffing is making me so crazy that I’m one small step away from putting the tissue up to his nose and commanding that he blow while I hold the paper to catch the goo.

It’s the jarring rattle of his sniffs that I hate. My spouse doesn’t just gently sniff to keep the icky whatnot at bay. No, he sniffs so hard that his neck gets ropey and his chest heaves.

If you shake when you sniff, you’re sniffing too hard, I told him.

How do I know? How can I be sure it's so wrong? Oh, the blood.

He sniffs so hard that he breaks capillaries and ends up with a nosebleed. Maybe if he does that enough he'll damage himself to death. Then I won't need to worry about finding a secret place to bury his body to hide my sin.


Melissa said...

If my husband starts coughing, I run and hide...for his sake.

it'sliketheweather said...

We live in a similar state of disgust over allergy generated sounds. Has he tried the Neti Pot=washes out all the yuck. Good luck to both of you.

My25Cents said...

I'm sure our husbands are related EXCEPT I think you have the better deal. My husband has a constant **sniff**. Constant. Middle of a movie? Sniff. Then he takes his hand, moves the tip of his nose... sniff. Spicy food? Double sniff. I keep pleading for him to visit an ENT, to no avail. Trust me, a normal-sized Kleenex box does NOT fit up one nostril. I've tried with much force, it just doesn't fit.

Unknown said...

Omg this is TOTALLY my life you are writing about, right? The snorting drives me batty. Thanks for providing a bit of comic relief.