Monday, July 6, 2009

BERMUDIAN

I have discovered shorts.

Discovered? you say, fashionably draped in confusion. Just now? Good grief what were your summers like as a child? Mormons aren't allowed to wear shorts?

Allow me to clarify, Dear Reader: I have just now discovered that as an adult I like shorts, and I don't care if they look rotten on me.

See, I have cankles. The real thing. And I have thighs so significant that my weightlifting coach in college was even embarrassed by their circumference. I'm not just a girl grumbling about not having the daintiest of ankles or your average dame moaning over a pair of thighs that aren't as bad as she thinks; I am actually a girl with tree trunks for lower limbs.

Thus a few years ago when the stores I shop in started stocking fashionable, Mormon-appropriate shorts, I ignored them and stuck with regular jeans. Not for me, for I have cankles, and I couldn't think of a better way to accentuate my thunder thighs than to put 'em into ill-fitting shorts (for with these thighs every pair of bottoms that fit in the waist and the rear are unable to accommodate me in the thigh area).

But then a few weeks ago The Husband wanted to spend Saturday at the Sparks Marina (a little nod to you, Aunt Sue), a municipal park in Sparks with a fake lake, grass, sand, and a dog park. I had some studying to do and figured I'd grab the Soph and go along to lay on the grass reading and highlighting while The Husband floated in the middle of the cement pond endeavoring to make it through Atlas Shrugged. But as I was getting dressed I realized that I didn't want to sprawl in the sun in jeans. I wanted some shorts.

So on our way to the park we stopped at Target. And I bought a pair of shorts. As I'm below average height, the shorts hit lower than they ought and made me look even more stumpy than I am. Unfair to be sure. And just as I thought they would, they in effect pointed neon lights at my thighs and had a public temper tantrum over my cankles. And because I'm not only naturally fair but also have a [reasonably] severe aversion to the sun and am more often than not too lazy to use self-tanner, my legs were blue-white. But I was comfy. So I didn't care.

So comfy that the next week I rummaged through Banana Republic and came home with two more pairs. While I labored in the dressing room I looked at myself in the mirror, clad in a set that I ended up giving a home, and thought, Well, these are the legs I got. And there a big fat bummer. They're really not going to get much better. So although I'm not comfortable in my skin I may as well be comfortable in some shorts.

And, by George, I am.

16 comments:

theincrediblejulk said...

this may sound silly, but have you tried heels w/ shorts (as I call them, "business shorts")? as a lady with cankles, i feel your pain, believe me, but heels do some magic that makes me feel less ashamed (though now, i've just moved past shame and am living in acceptance, which means i wear flipflops a lot, which just makes the cankling worse...), but let me just say, heels and shorts at work, well, it's not a bad thing.

rabidrunner said...

Holy smokes! I was going to say that! I wear hills and shorts when I shoot a wedding (dresses don't fly. Actually - dresses do fly and that's the problem.)

I'm calling your bluff on the "thunder thighs." You don't have thunder thighs - also didn't notice your cankles which means you don't really have them. I would have noticed if you did. And don't call me on the observant card because I did notice you were wearing capris. Caprice?

It's a great post, irregardless.

(Incidentally, when did irregardless become a word? I thought it wasn't a word and that's why I use it all tongue-n-check like. Firefox isn't doing the mispelled underline thing on it... which means it is a word. More of a word than "mispelled," which incidentally Firefox didn't pick up. Okay, I'm hanging up now.)

rookie cookie said...

I can't believe you gave in. I am slightly disappointed. They are the ultimate Mormon article of clothing. But it's okay, I still love you.

rabidrunner said...

But Megan's are slight low-rise, correct? They aren't Ultimate Mormon until they land four inches above the navel or up to the bra - whichever is higher.

meg said...

Yeah, Whit, Banana Republic is a Mormon-wear utopia. They were able to take care of my to-the-bra-line needs.

tara said...

glad to know there is someone else out there with blue-white legs...and is showing them off! I just broke out the shorts last week, and I now consider myself a courageous woman.

Lindsey V said...

I swear you just described my white stubby legs. My stature always makes shorts a little too long too. But I wear them all summer long. (In hopes to add a slight shade of a color to them.)

Misti said...

There is nothing more annoying then somehow pulling jeans over the thighs, where they are too snug, but the waist is too loose.

I too lifted weights (still do) in school, for softball. Yeah. Weights are good, but no one designs jeans for people with muscle!

Brandon and Julie said...

Isn't it Clinton and Stacey from What Not To Wear that always are promoting an appropriate "walking short" for women, especially the vertically challenged kind? And I'm almost certain they would tell you to add a "pop of color" with some fun heels.

Maybe I watch that show too much.

Hen Pecks said...

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth - in shorts, and in acceptance of their cute legs. (Nod to Grandma Sally)

Jessica said...

what, no picture? kidding. i know this isn't a "picture" sort of blog. i do understand your pain with the bright white legs. i've learned to embrace mine. most likely due to working with a lot of Latina girls who repeatedly say "your legs are WHITE." to which i reply "i AM white."

meg said...

Errin, Rabid, and Julie, your idea for shorts us a good one. So good that I have worn some city shorts and heels for work before, but spending all week in heels, it seems that to wear heels with weekend shorts would completely negate the point of being comfy. I have long since stopped claiming that heels (or at least the 3-4 inchers I must wear to even come close to being able to nearly make eye contact with people) are actually quite comfy. It's flip flops and sandals, kids. Comfort has won the day. The Husband will have won the day when it's Birkenstocks, and Reno will have won the day when it's Birkenstocks with socks.

And Rabid, sweetie, you need your big brown peepers checked, for I most certainly do have cankly, trunky gams. And I wasn't wearing short pants when we met; I was wearing bright yellow and puce striped Hammer pants. Duh.

Keli'i and Megan said...

No one knows cankles until they have seen my legs at nine months pregnant. No, those weren't even cankles. I had elephantitis. Yes, I did. You're hot. Rock those hot legs.

cat+tadd said...

I discovered this same thing a few summers ago. And like you, I threw fashion sense out the door and wore those cankle magnifiers anyway.

Makes summer fantasticly unflattering and comfy.

Rachel Mae said...

I realize this is an old post, but I'm back from a long overseas trip and catching up on your blog and I just have to comment on this one. Every year that I can remember, I've resolved to lose weight (in large part in hopes that I might someday like my legs--or at least not hate them). This year I decided to try to accept my legs (let's be honest--no amount of weight lost can change the shape of one's legs anyway). And I too am wearing shorts. And the world hasn't ended.

AzĂșcar said...

I can't put on a pair of shorts without a pair of heels.

(Really high heels.)


(But a modest pair of two inch wedges aren't terrible.)