Thursday, July 17, 2008


I have a problem.

I believe that I may have the worst morning breath. On. The. Planet.

Curiosity killed the cat, and it may off me too, 'cause sometimes I get curious about just how wretched my morning breath smells. I feel the urge to gauge the damage. If I breathe at The Husband, I ask myself, will he pass out? So I bury my head in my pillow, breath out, and then quickly inhale to try to capture the dissipating odor to assess the acridity. It's never been good news, and I always regret the act. Regret it to the tune of gagging.

I am convinced that other people do not have this a.m. death breath. I'm not exactly sure if The Husband does, seeing as I stay as far away from him as possible if I've not yet rinsed with bleach. A stellar, selfless act of service on my part.

But me? Dead rats. I wake up in the morning and my eating orifice smells like dead rats. And rotten lettuce. And sewage. You'd think I enjoyed dead rat tartare with a steaming side of the compost heap and a glass of sewage for dinner and then spent my sleeping hours burping up the delicious gases from that desirable repast. Pure, unadulterated a.m. halitosis.

I'd like to think that after I down a bottle of Drain-O each morning I kill the stench. But one can never be sure. The paranoia that a specter of my morning breath will escape while I speak has made gum a big part of my day. Just try to introduce me to a new flavor. Kid, I've tried them all.

I don't think that I'm one of those people that when you see them coming your olfactory senses recall the unhappy memory of the acidic odor they often bring with them. I believe my day and evening breath is benign, but not knowing for a fact, I live in constant fear that I am that person. That when I come walking your way, you think, Oh, here comes the stinky girl. I'd rather not be her.

When I watch a movie and a couple wakes up in the morning and immediately they roll toward one another for a kiss, I scream like it's a horror flick: Don't do it! Stay away! No! Stop! You could die!

And since movies are a direct reflection of what life is actually like, I'm sure that you never have morning breath and enjoy a passionate kiss just as soon as you open your beauty-rested eyelids.

And I couldn't be happier for you.


Janeen said...

Ok, what is it with the movies and making it seem that everyone is clean and fresh smelling? Really who is going to collapse into a man arms and you know what, who has just finished running a marathon or is working on a house and is hot and smelly, let alone start kissing in the morning.

I have to say as a person who brushes her teeth at least 5 times a day, they are living in La La Land!

Ashley Thalman said...

want to know something insanely disgusting? apparently doing the 'ole "breath into your hand" is not very accurate. if you want an accurate stench reading, you must lick your hand and then smell it. go on, give it a go. report your findings.

rabidrunner said...

Have you read this blog?

Your post made me think of something he wrote about... you might funny. If you don't let me know so as I can adjust what I think you might think is funny.

Andrea said...

Totally True! Morgan has what I loving refer to as "death breath" and it's no joke. I won't even come near him until he has brushed and gargled...even then I get a little grossed out!

Jaime Stephens said...

hahah Megan you are so funny I love your posts.