Wednesday, September 16, 2009

TWITSY


• If woman one cheats with is called a mistress, then is a man one cheats with called a manstress?

• Fact: I have never participated in a limbo contest that I haven't won.

Taking Woodstock: a naked education in culture. And a bummer in that it wasn't more focused on the music.

• Husband wants the brownies.

• I am sick and tired of obligations. So I've decided to swear them off. Like a bad habit.

• The serum I use on my face looks exactly like seminal fluid. You don't think that perhaps . . . ?

• Love my Sigg. Not sure why. Perhaps 'cause the lip feels so suckably sumptuous.

• Jason Mraz is a bit of a genius. It might be love. Use the word "lugubrious" in swingin' tune and I'll Do Anything. I'm Yours.

• Found some Regenerist in the bathroom from a sample box. Shrugged shoulders and put it on. Broke out horribly.

• Am feeling much regret about putting that Olay on my face. The stuff Buffy sent me has been incredible. And I jacked it up.

• Just sat through a speaker program in a Sushi joint. That crud reeks and looks like sculpted vomit.

• Liking my 'do. Throw a party to celebrate. I knew it would take time. And time it has taken. I’m not 100% sold. But getting there.

• I'm happy with my husband's job. I feel great joy hearing his stories about people leaving the Apple store with a new best friend to love.

• Boca burgers. A genius and rather perplexing creation.

• Trying to use my calendar on my work computer. Haven’t been this computer frustrated in years. I hate Microsoft. I’m using the word Hate here.

• So spacey that I just tried to enter a phone number into my calculator. Fortunately, commas instead of dashes clued me in.

• I love people who assume that they are the most important thing in my life. No wait. I hate them like I hate body fat.

• Mini Clif Bars, where have you been all my life?

• Soph to the vet. Bordetella spray up the nose, fecal exam, pedicure, poultry-flavored toothpaste, and $90 later, it appears she’s healthy.

• Wonder when the government is going to go poking its big fat gut into Pet Insurance For All. Socialized pet healthcare: the next frontier.

• Sept. 10 & 11. Maybe someday I'll explain the unique importance of these days to our family. Has to do with terrorism of a different kind.

• Great thing about my hair: I wake up in the morning 4 inches taller.

• Again with the babies in church. TAKE THEM OUT of Sacrament meeting/Sunday School/Relief Society. Or go home.

• Went into the grocery store and realized I left my list in the car. Was too tired to go back and get it, so I spent $150 on haphazard groceries.

• Listening to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Slow to start but riveting to the point of procrastinating necessities.

• I feel a wretched sense of triumph when a pretentious egomaniac writes "my friend and I" in a context that’s properly "my friend and me."

• I feel the same catty rush when learning that not only is someone very cultured and full of themselves, but they're also very ugly.

• Adjectives I cannot stand: whimsical, vintage, retro, and comfy.

• Why doesn't my life feel like my yoga practice? Why don't I get to feel the same compelling rush when I'm off my mat?

• Is there anything worse than a mealy tomato? Is there anything worse than the word "mealy?"

• The Papyrus font is going to push me to the point of requiring anger management therapy. I feel hot blood when I see it.

• I relish the ritual of tea.

• I take it back. Soph isn't all the way healthy. Fecal revealed that she's picked up a parasite. What a hassle. No wonder I don't want kids.

• In the other room, The Husband just listened to Hootie and the Blowfish, Phil Collins, and Celine Dion in succession. Embarrassed for him.

• "There's nothing wrong with lust that a little matrimony won't cure." • Rabbi Shmuley Boteach

• Please tell me that I don't ever come off as put-together. Would rather be honest. A mishmash. A hodgepodge. A me.

• Save space. Do the Snow Leopard.

• Ever almost accidentally smacked the arse of someone else's husband? I nearly did. Relieved that I noticed the difference before impact.

• Remember body suits? There's something really wrong with a top that snaps between your legs.

5 comments:

rabidrunner said...

Retaliating Twitsies:

- Seminal fluid is too expensive to be in your serum. Trust me.

- Your husband's job reminds me of a friend I know who love's their job. They place kids for adoption.

- Bordetella is bad. Yahoo #3 brought it home from the pound. Coughed like a smoker and nearly died.

- Haphazard groceries? That's genius. I knew there was a word for the stuff you bring home while shotgun shopping, now I know what it is!

- I don't like the words "moist" or "snack". Together they're okay though.

- If your life felt like your Yoga practice, you wouldn't GO to Yoga then you'd never win a limbo contest. It's a mixed bag, huh?

- I relish the ritual of Coffee and a Newspaper. Nearly kept me from becoming Mormon.

- Your Husband's music choices make me embarrassed for him too.

- You don't come off as put together. Pat yourself on the back.

- A couple of Christmases ago, I made a "Mansie" as a white elephant gift. Took a t-shirt and a pair of briefs, sewed them together and put snaps on the bottom of the briefs. Was a Onesie for a Man. Get it? "Mansie?" I have photos of Spouse modeling it.

- This was fun. Thanks.

meg said...

• Now Rabid, you don't know what I pay for my serum, do you?

• That's what el husbandiero does, isn't it--he works at an adoption agency. I'll add that to my Metaphors for Apple Job list.

• You're sure it was Bordetella that Yahoo #3 brought home and not the fact that he actually was a smoker before you reformed him?

• "Shotgun shopping" is what I like. Great phrase. And what I do whenever I go to the store. Like every three weeks or something.

• "Snack's" okay, but I'm with you on "moist" and so are all my sisters. We don't like that word.

• You have a point there. No yoga, no limbo. However, I was winning limbo contests long before I started practicing yoga. I may put that on my resume next to Powerlifting.

• I wish you could still enjoy the coffee and newspaper ritual. Perhaps tea might do it for you too? A nice kettle on the stove and a cup with a little baggie waiting for it? I dunno, 'cause I've never had coffee.

• I think it's unfair for me to just leave The Husband at Hootie, Phil, and Celine. He is also a big fan of U2 (you already knew that), Van Morrison, and Barenaked Ladies. And I don't think he should be embarrassed about that. I just caught his listening on a pathetic streak.

• Phew. I was afraid that I was a pretentious ass like other bloggers out there--writing myself up as a pile of perfection when, in reality, I'm just a bunch of blunders. Lying's pathetic.

• A mansie!!! There went all my exclamation points for the day; if I had any more I'd use them to express my surprise that your man would model his onesie. Over his clothes, I hope? Or if not, and that's your version of mangerie, I hope it was in the privacy of behind closed doors.

Jessica said...

Megan and Rabid, you two are a perfect match.

there's a store here in LA named "moist", i'm unsure what they sell and i don't want to find out.

loving that Rabbi quote. isn't it amazing how lust disappears when you can have sex whenever you want? i think i might put that quote in my email signature. because what's better than a quote that makes you think in an email?

cat+tadd said...

Sept 10th and 11th?

meg said...

Yes, Kitty. And if you think real hard, you'll remember why. And if it doesn't come to mind, I'll happily remind you. You're in the loop.