Thursday, August 20, 2009

WITHOUT ENOUGH NORINEPINEPHRINE AND DOPAMINE

Ever go through a time when you like exactly two people on the planet and you think everyone else should end up in a mass grave or another galaxy?

Ever go through a period wherein everything you commonly care about isn't important? When, though you generally put a lot of time and thought into your blog, you simply don't have the drive? When all you want to do is bury yourself in your bed, eat Jelly Bellies and watch The West Wing? When thinking something nice, let alone saying something nice, doesn't appear to be a reasonable option? When you choose not to wash your face at night because it doesn't seem worth getting off your rear although your skin has already broken out from perpetual neglect? When although you feel like refuse you still need to perform at work? When your biggest accomplishment of the day seems to be taking out your contact lenses before bed and you only do that because your husband brings a contact case and solution to wherever you're lazing? When it's a good thing you're essentially inert, because wherever you go you leave a mess that you have no intention of handling? When you simply don't notice the little messes you've left all over the house? When the only thing that can upturn your lips into a something approaching a smile is your enthusiastic Yorkie and even that feels like weightlifting? When, though you're traditionally fretful about your weight, you eat everything in sight and all that you stuff in your trap is outside your norm? When though you love your time on your yoga mat you can't seem to make yourself put it in the car and drive to class? When though you know you feel great after a good session on the treadmill you have to gather all the gumption you've got, borrow a little more from the cosmos, and buy a new TV series in order to give it a mere 30 minutes?

Ever go through those spells and know that it has absolutely nothing to do with your gift of being a girl?

Ever go through those spells because you've been so involved in your all-consuming career that you've forgotten to take your antidepressant for a week? When you find yourself grateful for the reminder that the little white pill is an effective boost? When you remind yourself that you'll quickly lose the 5 lbs you just blessed yourself with because you've done it before--the last time that you screwed up and went without your necessary mental meds? When you are able to glimpse a glimmer of gratitude for your anatomical understanding of the drug's efficacy?

Ever go through a time when the person inside your body doesn't seem to be you at all?

Yes? A little somethin' verging on comprehension?

Thanks for your understanding. Not that I need it. Seeing as I hate you and everyone else. (Not that it's anything personal.)

7 comments:

rabidrunner said...

I took the liberty of counting your question marks. Twenty. That's impressive.

meg said...

Only 20?

Shelby Lou said...

I feel the same thing. I got really upset with you when you said you didn't like your hair again in the above post. Then again, I get upset with you often. But, once again I find your website on my top ten most looked at on my safari thing. Bust. One day we will be friends.

P.S. I haven't showered or gotten out of my pajamas for a full 48 hours.

BEAT THAT.

Rowboat said...

oh yes, i hate everyone and everything sometimes. and i enjoy it. then i go to sleep and (sometimes) get over it. sometimes i just have to ride it out.

Misti said...

It's hard to explain everything you just said, but you just explained it. Or rather, shared how I feel at times.

Weezie said...

I have one word to say, "Ditto."


I know I'm late on commenting...I've been out of my normal routine for a few days, but I couldn't not let you know...thanks for putting this up here. I don't feel like that because I forgot to take my meds, just because my work (well, commute, actually) completely and totally drains me. I do laundry, it never gets put away; I take the vacuum out of the closet, I never turn it on; I think about exercising, I never get around to tying my shoes; I want to lose the [solid] 6 pounds I've put on since taking this job, I continue to eat like I'm deprived...the list goes on and on. So thanks for saying what I feel.

Amanda said...

I didn't catch this post until today (don't know how it slipped through my reader). I'm an ignoramus and didn't realize that those were symptoms of depression.
I'm sorry that you had to go through a week of hell and hating everyone around you. But- I'm grateful that you posted some of your experience (and were honest about it). I've had a couple weeks of those kind of symptoms (a few months ago) and I thought that I was going crazy. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. I thought that somehow I just must not like music anymore. or books. or my husband (HA). Luckily, I changed up some meds and it went away. I think I was too afraid to write about it because I didn't want to give the feeling any legitimacy or authentication.