Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Well, the day you never thought would come has. I pulled down a post. I've never done that before.

Why? Unfortunately, it's not because I thought it might offend you.

I was quite sure I'd never pull down a post. Yet here I am. I honest-to-goodness couldn't care less what random readers think of me, my writing, my opinions, experiences, or choice of career (and no, Rabid, I don't sell pediatric meds this go around; I used to and won't ever do it again). I maintain this space because it's fun, and I really do have a lot to say.

What I posted today had nothing to do with my nomination for the Provocative Blog Luxe award. I posted what I posted earlier today because I had a thought, wrote it up, and pressed Publish Post. That's generally how my thoughts come down, and if you know me, you know that's the truth. My motivations are internal, for the most part; ideas may be shaped by outside influences, but it's inside me that they take on life and become more.

Though you may have some serious doubts about it, you should know that my husband and I are smart people. (And this'll kill you: very often kind people too. Giving people. And considerate.) I think things through. I do research. I take notes. Write goals. Make timelines. I think. We discuss. A lot. For hours and hours. It's why we're together; I often say in my prayers (yes, I say those) that I'm grateful to have married a man whose intellect I can respect and who respects mine. An intellect that's there and not neglected. Some will argue that my position on things like kids have nothing to do with intellect and what I'm doing is ignoring my spirit and so on. It's not a discussion I'll open up here just now. Perhaps later. Suffice to say that I'm not reckless. I'm often too strategic, and it's proven itself problematic.

So I'm a thinking person. And just because I'm a thinking person doesn't mean that I'm not a feeling person as well. I felt my mom's pain, anger, disappointment, self-flagellation and what seems to come very close to vehement loathing in her last comment. I felt that. I care about her. Not the unknown reader. So I pulled the post down. A first (and a last, I hope) for everything, they say (whoever "they" are).