ON HARMONY IN MATRIMONY

I am away from sparkling Sparks, Nevada, to witness a grand and glorious union; my sister Haley will wed Jon, her knight in Vans and hoodies.

Getting enthused for their wedding naturally sent my memory to my own preparations for the Big Day and I thought it only my duty to issue some advice to the soon-to-be newlyweds . . .

Dearest Jon and Haley,

I have bit of advice for you as you embark on your permanent togetherness (as I have been married for 5.5 years and am therefore an expert in all this): Ignore all advice. (I do recognize the irony of this—me giving you advice to ignore advice.)

Folks are more than happy to use their experiences to mold what they consider definitive and useful advice. For them, it probably is, but your relationship is your own.

Before getting hitched, The now-Husband and I were advised that we should never go to bed angry. Ha! I find it’s much more useful to grind my tongue into hamburger meat rather than stay up fighting and find I have things to apologize for the next day. It seems the conflict evaporates while I wish he would stop snoring and Sophie would scoot over. Amazing. But that’s just us. You many enjoy tearing into each other into the wee hours of the morning rather than hit the feathers furious.

We were also advised to always buy white towels, “’cause they match everything and bleach out beautiful.” I honestly followed that one for a couple weeks, until it occurred to me that I don’t actually like white towels. That advice must have worked for whoever issued it my direction, but not for us. You may find bright white towels are the cat’s pajamas.

Another gem: always kiss each other good night. That one we like. I asked my spouse why that works for us, and he said, “’Cause it’s sweet. Don’t you think it’s sweet?” Perhaps you two will follow that tidbit or perhaps you think that is lame advice—maybe your cup of tea would read more like “Always make out hard-core before bed.” Who knows? Eventually, you’ll figure it out.

From the Gyno: Pee after sex. (Or "void after sex" or "empty your bladder after sex" or whatever other charming euphemism the doctor chooses to use.) I say do it. Even if I have no interest in inconveniencing myself and am convinced that I don't actually need to go, perhaps even can't go, that UTI I had a couple years ago is a painful memory that I have no desire to relive. But, Haley, maybe you will want a UTI for the sympathy it will garner you from your doting husband. (That would be really bizarre behavior, by the way.)

There’s really so much more in the way of oft-issued advice, but I’ll stop there, for you will—and probably already have—receive tons of advice from well-meaning friends and family who wish you only the best. My advice: Toss it all out the window and make your own way, because you will have to anyhow.