WINNING A LOSS

You know what guys—he got away with it. My ex-husband had an affair, teamed up to shatter a family, and he got off clean. Consequences? Not really, no. No consequences that actually affect him. He didn’t have any friends to lose. He regained a relationship with his estranged family because my family—the upgrade replacement one—thinks he’s a tool and would rather sauté their children than have anything to do with him. He wanted to be a stay-at-home dad, and now, well, he pretty much has that. With Jim funding his life, my ex gets to pal around with his woman and her kids all day. Job? Please.

He got away with it, and I won’t be bashful about saying that it sort of kills me. I wasn't the one that cheated, but I am the one in therapy working through emotional scars like new insecurities, a [rational] inability to trust, and fear of abandonment. It seems that all you have to do to get everything you’ve ever wanted is plow through people and be selfish to the hilt. Shouldn't it be the other way around? You know—achieving happiness through being kind, trying to think of others, respecting boundaries, etc.? Apparently not.

And don’t tell me what goes around comes around, ‘cause I just don’t believe it anymore. Long term, eternal-type consequences—is thinking of those supposed to make everything okay? Nothin’ doin’. I’ve never had a killer testimony or been motivated to pursue one, so having faith that he'll get his in the end won’t satisfy just now.

My therapist—and this time she’s right; oh, okay, she’s right all the time—says that the best way to deal with my disgust and ire about my ex getting off cleanly is to be happy elsewhere and forget about him. And, to a point, I can and am doing that. It's a process. But I have to hear about—and not disparage—that monumental loser seeing as I date his chick’s ex-husband and they share kids. (Genius on my part, I know. But guys, this man I’ve got now is a real treat. I don't have to babysit him. It’s a fresh experience to be with someone who is honest and has nothing to hide. For the first time I'm seeing what it's like to be with a humble man who is quick to admit when he doesn't know something. And—also new for me—who absolutely everyone likes. There are three people in my life that I can use as a tool to determine who has something wrong with them; if you don’t like Jessica Makin, my cousin Andie’s husband, Morgan, or Jim, you’ve got issues. Since only sociopaths and psychos don’t immediately like these three, I can use them as a quick way to determine who to avoid.)

I did the right thing. I tried with absolutely everything I had to save my marriage. And I wasn’t faking it. I had to do all the things I could think of in order to live with myself. While I was going through the yes-no-yes-no months last year the people who knew what was going on in my life wondered why I wouldn’t throw in the towel already and finally see that enough was enough. Someone told me that when I'd reached my limit and done all I could, I'd know it. And when that time came I was so certain that I'd met the end that I felt the shift physically. But there was no arriving there until I’d done everything I could do.

And like I’ve said so many times before, I’m happy I lost. Fighting for my marriage was the biggest battle in my little life, and I got beat. Sometimes winning really isn’t a win. And that’s what I have to hold onto. My favorite movies and novels are the ones where somebody gets what they deserve. I like to see a clean win and justice. Right now the win I see looks filthy and sick. So hopefully in winning the loser actually lost.

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Oh, and you probably want to know how it went at the amusement park today. Well, I’ll tell you—it didn’t. We got to Auburn and had to turn around. Sick kid. If I’m no rockstar with healthy kids, I’d like you to consider how I do with sick ones. I’m worthless.