Thursday, July 22, 2010

FLICK SHTICK

I talk to movies. Or rather, I yell at them.

We don't watch sports in our house, but I completely understand dudes who watch football and such and holler at the screen throughout a game. I myself have a proclivity for getting fired up in general, and when I'm in my own home watching a show and don't need to worry about interrupting other folks' day, I let it all loose. I make movie watching a loud, interactive experience rife with critique, incredulity, sarcasm, and, well, regrettable curse words.

I call characters morons, a$$es, bitches, jerks, and I tell them a better way to handle whatever situation they're going through.
• Oh, you've got to be kidding me!

• What an idiot!

• Oh yeah,
that's a terrific idea.

• Way to pay attention there, you dope.

• As if. Like that's going to work.

• Gee, what a great way to treat another human being.

• Oh, you are so going to hell you sonofabitch.

• Well aren't you just a wizard?

• Gimme a friggin' break.
I'm a never ending barrel of laughs because I don't just yell at flicks that are new to me; no, I scream at movies I've seen before. I know what the actor is going to do next, but I still deliver instructions and berate them for a job dumbly done. (And from time to time I congratulate on a job well done and coo at a sweet moment.)

Last night we watched Capitalism: A Love Story.

Goodness me, I have a patient and mostly sainted husband. He sits through my ranting at the screen. He doesn't tell me to shut up or even roll his eyes. And sometimes he will even pause the show we're watching so that I can rave without interfering with rhythm of his enjoyment. And, boy oh boy, that Mikey Moore movie merited so much ranting that I had to give up, leave, and just go to bed. (If you've paid attention to this blog you know which side I come down on and can guess who I was screaming at.)

Right now this long-suffering man I'm married to is sitting next to me working on a spreadsheet and—courtesy of instant Netflix—has elected to watch Annie. So I'm patient and mostly sainted too—and going on and on about what a poorly executed and anachronistic stereotype the Punjab character is and wondering just where in the world this Annie creature plans to get all the gifts that she spontaneous promised all her fellow orphanites on her way to a week in the lap of luxury and wondering where Annie learned to swim and commenting on how freaky and creepy Tim Curry is.

Oh, and you might like to know that I have a print of Andy Warhol's Double Mona Lisa in the half bath downstairs; see SeƱior Warbucks indicated that a lavatory is the appropriate place for her famous smile.

8 comments:

Hen Pecks said...

You are such a weirdy and I have no idea how Marklee puts up with you.

Sparks said...

He says, "Drugs."

Now is that the ones I take? Or the ones I sell? Or are there some illicit ones he's taking . . .

Hen Pecks said...

Ot the ones you SHOULD be taking?

Tricia said...

ok so I try to pay attention to your blog but I really don't know which side you come down on. the fact that you were watching a michael moore movie indicates one side, but then again, the title of the movie IS intriguing so someone like me, who has a rude opinion of michael moore that I won't share here, might be interested in seeing it just for entertainment purposes. so anyway, I just wondered. :)

as for talking to the movies, I can relate....i talk to the news all the time....and laugh my head off.

Sparks said...

I am a whole-hearted capitalist, Tricia. The movie choice was masochistic. For me capitalism really is a love story.

And I am with you on interactive news. I drive, listen to NPR, and rail on about whatever idiotic thing they are highlighting. I'm the crazy lady alone in her car yelling at seemingly no one.

{Erica} said...

1. I do the same thing while watching any movie, news, talk show, and most of all kid shows. They are a mecca of things I want to yell out and comments I have.

Bret has to calm me down sometimes and has to point out that it's just a movie and to get over it. But still...I continue.

2. I have pointed out many times that Annie is a pretty good swimmer for being an orphan. Hmmm?

3.I totally and completely relate in regards to your comment you left. Totally and completely! Oh the stories I could share!

4. I feel a bit lame after all the pushy words of encouragement that I have yet to accquire one of your lovely Family prints. Car repairs and a root canal kinda put that print on the list of things I will get in a few months. But I WILL GET IT (have the perfect spot already picked out for it).

Tricia said...

thank goodness. I'm so relieved. capitalism is a beautiful thing. I imagine for me, watching that movie could potentially induce coronary failure.

Kelsey Carreon said...

So obviously by all my comments in one day you by now realize I have been remiss in my reading duties! I watched (thanks to Netflix) 1/2 of Capitalism: A Love Story and that is about all I could get through. I don't think there is anyone (and I grew up in DC around politicians) that loves the sound of his own voice more that Michael Moore! Even my more liberal minded husband was disgusted and the obviously well cut and biased report.

Though as a side note I was disgusted at the practice which allows companies to take life insurance policies out on employees. Though it may be legal ethically it leaves a lot to be desired.

Your husband is a saint to watch Annie. I feel that it is was made just for me so I could sing songs that had easy melodies in the privacy of my own home as to not offend others ears.