Monday, November 2, 2009

SO FRESH AND SO SLOVENLY

My dry cleaners think I'm a total slob. Or at least the little yellow bits of paper that they safety pin to my clothes indicate that they believe I should clean up my act.

"Chocolate stain. Front"

"Jam spot. Front"

"Ice cream. Front"

"Neckline Somethingorother"

"Unknown Spot. Rump"

"Unknown Spot. Collar"

Or whatever.

I'm sure that the notes are to cover their behinds--not necessarily to remind me of last week's en route menu, for if they have to spot-treat a spot there's a chance the material could react badly and they want me to know just why they were focusing extra chemicals on a certain area on my skirt. It's not their fault the material faded just there. It's my fault for letting ice cream--that I shouldn't have been eating the the first place--unceremoniously plop onto my shirt.

Or maybe it's not that they're calling me a slob. Instead they're calling me fat. For it's never "Hummus spot. Front" or "Egg whites. Collar" or "Fruit bowl. Sleeve" They always point on that it's unhealthy stuff I've used to decorate my workwear.

Why don't they just leave a note on each item saying, "You're a fat slob and totally disgust us?" I'll be so depressed by the love note that I won't care at all if my skirt has a big faded spot where chocolate used to be. And it's not like I'd be able to fit into it anyhow.

8 comments:

Lars said...

I worked at a dry cleaners in high school. The notes actually aren't for you, they are for the person who does the spot treatment in the back. If there are no notes your clothes just get thrown in the machine. If there are notes though, the checker has to put red tape all over the garment and then the spot treater will read over exactly what they are so they can work on getting those stains out. See they don't think you are a slob. We only judged people when they brought clothes in with pungent body odor and had to be sealed in a bag. That or some questionable items...

Sparks said...

Wow. I can't tell you how much better that makes me feel.

Lars said...

Glad my random knowledge could come in handy. At first I read your comment in complete sarcasm, just is my mood for the day. Then I realized you were being serious. Glad I could be of service.

Sparks said...

Lars, your lack of sleep is getting to you. I'm always sarcastic.

Sparks said...

Not that I'm not grateful for your knowledge.

Lars said...

Ah glad I read it right in the first place. I actually slept twelve hours Saturday. I was banished from door detail after traumatizing some children for my sarcastic remarks. You would have been proud.

Jessica said...

you two crack me up.

maybe the dry cleaning chemicals affected your brain, Lars.

Lars said...

They probably did Jessica. They transformed me into something even more awesome, if that is possible.