Tuesday, November 24, 2009

SAFETY IN SOLITUDE


Don’t knock on my front door. At least don’t do it without calling me beforehand.

Why not knock without a warning call?

Because I simply won’t answer.

If The Husband is home he might answer, but if not, you’re going to stand staring at my off-center wreath for however long you decide to hold there. In the wind. In the heat. In the cold.

All you need to do to make sure that you don’t have to endure my front porch any longer than it takes for me to get up from my computer and hop down the stairs to let you in is to make a simple phone call.

Without the call? I won’t even get up to peer through the door's peep hole or sneak into the guest room to peer down through the blinds. Nope, I will just continue dragging, typing, and dropping and color-picking, pretending that you don’t exist. No matter how many times you ring the bell.

23 comments:

Lars said...

I think I may be endeared to you....If I knew how to dismantle the doorbell it would be gone. I turn the ringers on the land-line to off simply for this same reason. I don't really like to be bothered at home, especially unexpectedly.

Sparks said...

If you turn off all your ringers how I am supposed to call before coming over?

Just send an email?

Leslie said...

My philosophy is that I'll answer the door, but you take your chances on whether or not I have a bra on. You come over without calling, it's your fault if you see me sans bra.

Sparks said...

Leslie, as I started to read your comment I thought surely it would say something like "you take your chances on whether or not I have a gun in my hands." You went a whole other route altogether. One that has the potential to be equally as scary.

Jessica said...

Dude. You totally ruined my plans for this weekend. Some friend you are!

Sparks said...

All you gotta do is call, my friend.

Jessica said...

Hello, I don't have your number yo. And, you aren't a phone talker.

Sparks said...

Figured out my rouse, did ya?

NatTheFatRat said...

YES. When people come to the door unexpected I basically freeze where ever I am and hide until they leave. Usually because I have either just gotten out of the shower, just gotten back from a run, or else just gotten out of bed. And I don't want you to look at me.

But I also feel this way about phone calls. I almost never answer the phone. I don't know, somehow phone calls and unexpected door knockers make me feel suffocated.

Text me please, then call or knock.

How weird that I have found you in this life. Your crazy seems to mirror my own. (That goes for all of you, really.)

Jessica said...

Yep, it was rough. I generally don't answer the phone unless the person's name pops up on my caller ID. Even then I don't answer it many times. The joys of screening calls.

rookie cookie said...

Jessica, her number is 867-5309.

I am not huge on answering the door either. It is usually a sales person that I want to kill.

When Van was born, I put a note over the doorbell that said, "Please knock. If you ring this bell, you will wake up my sleeping newborn and that will make me really mad."

Sparks said...

Whitney! How dare you tell her my number!

Next thing I know you'll be telling her my real name is Jenny.

Jessica said...

thanks for that. It made me laugh. And sing. An excellent combo.

Tricia said...

oh, then you would have loved my "friend" who pounded on my door long enough and loudly enough to alarm my neighbor three doors away one day. she had something to say to me about saving my soul. and apparently she wasn't going anywhere until she said her peace. yeah, I was in there, waiting for her to go away. after 10 minutes, I got in the shower. my neighbor said she was there for a good 45 minutes. knocking. no....pounding, on my door. where do you draw the line between concerned friend, and calling the cops?

and as for my soul, I already know thankyouverymuch. lol.

did I just hijack your post? urg. sorry. I need to start blogging again. I have a lot to say.

Lars said...

I turn the ringer off on the land-line phones. If it is important they will leave a message in response to my hilarious answering machine. Sparks my dear if you want to play you just have to call my cell. I screen calls since I am a phone-a-phobe but am prompt to respond via text or if I must in a volley call. I get antsy after two minutes so don't be offended when I come up with a lie to get myself off the phone.

Julie said...

I don't answer the door OR the phone. I have an unexplainable phobia of the phone. I am almost afraid to answer or even CALL anyone. I have no idea why. It is stupid. And a bit childish. Just text me. Or email me. Really. I hate the phone. Unless you are my husband or my mom or I know EXACTLY the reason you are calling me, I likely will not answer.

Julie said...

Just reading everyone's comments...we are a bunch of phone-phobic phreaks. (I couldn't resist the 3rd "ph").

Ryan said...

i always leave a digit out of my phone number when filling out forms.

in the rare chance someone gets through, i have my home line forwarded to 911. if they're that desperate, they should have the pleasure of talking to some one.

i have the ringer on my cell phone off at all times, so be sure to call when the phone is close enough for me to see the screen light up.

i don't even answer my number at the deli.

i installed a padded door from asylum construction depot so no one can knock on my front door.

i forward all email to another email account before opening it.

most importantly, i only visit remarks from sparks via anonymizer.com.

amateurs.

Sparks said...

Yeah, Ryan, but way to use your real name here.

Ryan said...

er, um, yeah. i wasn't going to divulge this part, but i always, always use a pseudonym when commenting on a blog.


or on an airplane.

Señora H-B said...

I have perfected the art of peeking through the peephole to determine whether I'll answer the door--even if I'm expecting someone to come over. Far too many times I have answered the door expecting a friendly face and found someone selling magazines or over-priced candy bars.

I am also a phone-avoider, unless I make the call. Which, now that I think about it, is kind of weird; but, hey, it's good to know I'm not the only one!

rookie cookie said...

I know exactly who Trish is talking about. And she is a psychopath. Crazy, self-righteous psychopath. My husband can't stand her. And you can trust him when it comes to people to hate. Right?

rookie cookie said...

To Trish:

"You are living there? But I can see your house when I drive to church!!! What an abomination!!!"

Psycho.