Friday, July 17, 2009

SWIMMING AND FISHING

Along with a lemon-yellow belt, two of them came in the mail.

One bathing suit came in my favorite color: barfy green, while the other was an orange just about as bubbly as orange can get.

Though he wasn't invited to be a part of investigating my new merchandise, The Husband plopped down on the closet floor to make himself seem a supportive contributor in my quest for a decent suit. His eagerness to be a help could have been largely influenced by the fact that a girl has to take her clothes off to change from one suit to another. ("Could have been?" Who am I kidding?)

I tried on the first one and made my way to the mirror. Sick, I thought, but the kind of sick I've become accustomed to.

This green. Do you like this green? I inquired.

It's--

I mean, is this the kind of color someone colored like me shouldn't wear, right?

I--

I mean, I'm probably too pale for it right? I mean besides what a disaster this swimsuit is on anyhow.

I like it.

You do? Why?

I like the green.

As I changed from the green to the orange I had the kind of rapt attention wives seek when trying to hold a meaningful conversation.

With the orange one on, I walked tip-toe to the mirror. (Why does putting on a swimsuit make me want to walk tip-toe? I think it's something about that extra few inches from the ground lengthening my leg so as to diminish the apparent size of my thighs on naked display, fooling myself into thinking they're not what I know they are.) Once there, I tightened the tie in the front, mumbling something about little boobs needing extra help staying in swimwear.

Back in the closet, I said, Do you like this one?

Yeah. It looks good.

But it really doesn't. I look fat.

There's no muffin top or anything.

Well of course there is, I said, walking back to the mirror. See, right there!

If you say so, he said with a detectible eye-roll in his voice (neat how after seven years of being his wife I can hear that and even often anticipate it).

I do.

I stood facing him, with my hands on my hips. Well, which one do you like better?

I like that one. He indicated the orange one I was still wearing.

Why? ('Cause that suit was already dead in the water, as I liked the other one better.)

'Cause it's more revealing.

What? No it's not. It's a halter top while the other is strapless. Duh. How's this more revealing?

I can see your nipples.

I groaned. Okay not as my husband who constantly wants to bang me, which one do you like better?

That's the right question, he said, Go with the green one.

9 comments:

Jessica said...

ahhhh, husbands. so predictable. i'm impressed you bought and wore swimsuits! my strategy is simple. if i don't own a swimming suit, i don't have to wear a swimming suit. works quite nicely, if i do say so myself. this way, i stay nice and albino white year-round.

Keli'i and Megan said...

Did I just step into your life and have the exact same conversation? Husbands. Got one thing on their minds.

Lindsey V said...

I love that you call your favorite color 'barfy green'.

Also, I couldn't help but notice above that 'the name' was revealed. I had guessed that's what it was when you said that there was another secret hidden in your title.

meg said...

Yeah, I suppose we should cover that. I deleted Ash's comment because although we all may know what my husband's name is here, he doesn't want anyone to google his name and come upon my blog. Wants to stay away from controversy, and apparently that's what I've got around here. So although we may know what his name is and making a connection between him and my blog isn't really all that tough, we're going to be respectful of his wishes and keep using euphemisms and pet names.

Charming.

Shelby Lou said...

if i were drinking something i would have spit it all over my pretty little macbook at that last sentence. Ha BANG. Funny. Anywhoo... good things.

meg said...

Hey, Shelby, you take good care of that MacBook and it will take good care of you.

radel said...

You are freakin hilarious!!! I love reading your stuff! I love that you refer to how much your husband wants to bang you! Love it. Thanks for being honest and telling us what you really said, not just the politically correct thing to say. :)

meg said...

Thanks for the compliment, radel. Glad you're enjoying.

Here's how I see it--that's actually how the conversation went--why not post it as it happened? Ya know? Sometimes the politically correct thing doesn't convey truth.

aezra noell said...

ugh, i sooo know what you mean. it gets annoying but someone told me better the way it is now rather than No attention...cause that could lead to wandering. I have to remind my self that from time to time. oh and besides, orange is impulsive and harsh...tis better to be calming in green. funny how you choose to exact opposite color moods.