Wednesday, June 3, 2009

MAKING IN

Remember the days of making out? Remember how you could do it for hours?

As a mostly-good Mormon teen, you just needed a car, some Dave Matthew's Band (or insert era appropriate music), a remote parking place, maybe a mint or two, and you could sloppily slobber on each other from nine to midnight, with conversation not only optional but overwhelmingly dull.

Now, just make a go at making out with your spouse and you go from zero to premaritally inappropriate in five seconds. Or less. You end up making It not out.

However, even though it's so simple to find yourself undressed or on the way to it when you're locked in wedded bliss, getting It done more often is tougher than it looks [in the racy movies you shouldn't be watching].

There are times I'm voraciously randy and times when I wish he'd just stop touching me. (I blame hormones for the bipolarity of my Drive.) But over all, the frequency of sexual encounters after marriage (not so much saying that there were some prior to matrimony, you nosy, well-meaning snoops) leaves something to be lustily desired.

Life gets unreasonably busy. Or you're tired. Or you jinx It by trying to schedule. And then when you finally to get to It you think, Hey wait! I love this. Sex is fabulous! Amazing! Why aren't we doing this more often?

And then you get up, clean up, and life goes on.

You get unreasonably busy. And tired. And jinx It. And forget your note-to-self (and spouse) to engage in your Activities more often.

And then when you do finally find yourself remembering more often and meshing more often and trip into in a sensibly sexy groove, your monthly cramps arrive, and then all you're interested in is a threesome with Ben and Jerry.

•••

Apologies to those of you nonMormons (or classified "promiscuous" Mormons) out there for a post regarding a premarriage you can't easily relate to. Or rather you should be apologizing to me, expressing sorrow and lamenting the fact that my misspent youth wasn't nearly misspent enough.

17 comments:

Amanda said...

this is hilarious.

My husband could not understand why I was so feisty in making out before our marriage and now I'm so hot and cold. It's those hormones. For me, it was my B.C. It was killing the drive. So I changed and life is much better now.

However, I have read that a woman's sex drive peaks at 35 or so...so maybe this hot and cold thing will get better? I'll dream

Ashley Thalman said...

a ha hahah a!

meg said...

Oh Amanda, it's all about the copper IUD for me! I've never taken the pill and hope to avoid it. Before I got married I went to the doctor, got a script for the pill and before I could fill it my mom's friend took me aside to tell me about an IUD and why I might want one of those instead of adding more hormones to a body that already produced plenty. I made an appt. right then and will be forever grateful to her.

tara said...

pure hilar.

i am just like amanda. husband gets frustrated...but i too hope my 30's will make up for my yes-no-yes-no syndrome.

ash said...

glad for this. (again). im the same story. however the pills was the avenue i took. a bad one at that. now im off and trying to get used to the idea of condom usage. its funny how we try to change the pattern but it just keeps recurring.

Keli'i and Megan said...

Love this. And love how you refer to it as "It": capitalized.

J said...

good times and very true. and funny!

Alicia said...

Am I NOT the ONLY wife in the world with the yes-no-yes-no syndrome?!?! Wow! What a RELIEF!!! ;-)

cat+tadd said...

Oh how I love you.

ray-ray says said...

It's true.

All of it.

Misti said...

On the nose!

rabidrunner said...

Plus those dreadful birth control pills increase your risk of having a stroke. For some reason, I'm seriously trying to keep my risks down on that one.

So... try being married, and not in the Mormon way, then getting divorced and re-joining "The Church" in the process. Dating is/was a mess. There was no making out - 'cause one might be too used to that "1-2-3 do it" mentality. Actually, don't try it. Stay married.

Great post.

meg said...

Oh, well if you insist. Marriage it is then.

And gee, up until that comment, Rabid, we were so ready to ditch these duds for something a little flashier.

Emmy said...

Thanks for posting this! This is so true with probably many many women. Plus sometimes I just want the making out and cuddling.. but know it very rarely stops there so then just avoid the making out all together unless I want more.

Cute blog!

Brandon and Julie said...

Reported this post to the Mr....who then so kindly pointed out after reading Amanda's comment that while a woman's sex drive peaks at 35, a man's peaks at something like 21.

Freak.

meg said...

It's something I've considered as well, Julie. No wonder those cougars like the younger studs . . .

somethinggirl said...

*snortlaugh*

Totally experience same phenomenon: Why don't we do this more often (even when we are doing it often)? And inevitably someone will say mid-go, "We're going to do this again today/tonight." and when the "go" becomes "got there" I'm all, "I'm good."