Saturday, May 23, 2009

AN ISM TO GO

It's time that we abolish the beloved Mormon expression, "Please bear with me."

For it's always followed by the foreshadow of a horror we're about to experience:

Please bear with me; I just planned this sacrament meeting talk this morning.

Please bear with me, I forgot to plan the R.S. lesson and am just winging it.

Please bear with me ('cause I'm bearing my testimony at the pulpit and holding a screaming, shaking, red-faced baby that's drowning out every word I say because I've got its face positioned inches from the mic).

Please bear with me; I don't consider you important enough to take time from my week to execute the proper planning for my time in front of you today.

Stop! Don't warn me!

Don't warn me that the next 5 minutes, 10 minutes, hour will be excruciating. Let me think that you planned your presentation and prayed for all the assistance the Good Lord could muster and that you are just missing the mark today. Or let me think that you are doing your best and that I should feel sorry because you're just an unfortunate public speaker. Don't incite me to speculate that the reason I'm squirming in my seat and wishing I had Swine Flu is that you watched Lost DVDs for the last three evenings instead of reading your lesson material.

Please.

(Now "Please bare with me" might be a funnier situation, though equally unacceptable considering the cream-of-chicken-disaster dishes many a Mormon family decides to corrupt their temples with.)

•••

A post about Sunday on Saturday. Means that someone's dreading going to church. A sad state of affairs to be sure, and one in which all self-righteous readers of this blog will think I am unChristlike and selfish. Aw, so be it. I don't like you people anyhow (and am baffled that you're still here if you hate it so much). Turns out you were blessed with more congenital patience and a less critical ear than I was. And good for you, because someone needs to approach The Unprepared and congratulate them on a job well done, for how else will we perpetuate the time-honored cycle of ad hoc presentations?

Also, our dear friend Rabid will be diddling her digits across the ivory spokes for the pleasure of churchgoers tomorrow. Wish her luck; she is pretending she needs it.

10 comments:

Brandon and Julie said...

You realize that the only phrase I will likely retain from the 3 hour block is "Please bear with me," right?

meg said...

Not my fault since you'll hear it at least twice. Do report back and tell me how many times you caught it. It's a new game we can play. And I'm all for games in church.

Just Sue said...

I've never hear anyone say that...

J said...

I wish I was "blessed with more patience and a less critical ear." Sometimes the husband and I have a gripe-fest on the way home from church discussing the variety of things that annoyed us that day. It happens and we just roll with it; sometimes you gotta let it out (as opposed to "sometimes you just gotta yell and scream." I miss the Safety Kids).

Brandon and Julie said...

Awesome. I'm all over it.

rookie cookie said...

It would be down right refreshing to hear someone get up to give a talk and they don't crack some joke about writing it the night before or trying to avoid the executive secretary so he wouldn't ask them to speak. Just get up and talk. Inspire me. Invite the Spirit in. Don't give excuses as to why it shouldn't be your fault that your talk isn't prepared.

rabidrunner said...

Did you visit my ward recently? I'm one of those watch Lost instead of prepare kinda people. Then I ask for bears, 'cause they're way cute when they're little. Feisty, but cute. Reminds me of someone...

Speaking of Lost, the same writers commissioned the new Star Trek. Have you seen it? Spocktacular.

rabidrunner said...

On the contrary... the people who get up and brag about their 18 trips to the Temple and 12 days of fasting (all in preparation for their talk) are just as annoying.

Brandon and Julie said...

Good point rabidrunner.

And Megan, I got exactly 3 "bears" today.

The first from a speaker who asked us to to bear with him because he prepared his talk at 2:30 this morning...Why a 30 something man with a wife and kids was up at 2:30 this morning I know not.

The second came from the group musical number, because they had not practiced with the piano player before.

The third came from the Sunday school teacher, cause she had a cold and couldn't really talk. So, I think she is excused.

meg said...

Bummer, Julie--I didn't hear it at all. Everyone else I talked to in different wards did, but not me. Not in Sacrament Meeting. Not Sunday School. Not Relief Society. But not hearing it in R.S. could be because Iw as the teacher and wasn't about to beg for bearing.