Wednesday, January 14, 2009

SNOTTY POTTY

I am 26. So are you. Or there abouts. I have a dog. You have kids. You have a couple. Or there abouts.

And since we are of similar age and often similar religious persuasion or cynical outlook, I read your blog.

And sometimes, oh boy! do you make me laugh! And there are those times that I nod my head in agreement to what you're saying.

And every so often I will deign to watch one of the many YouTube videos you post. (They are always funny when I do.)

Some of you have music on your blog, and I sort of curse you when I visit your cyber spot and it destroys my Zen environment when it interrupts my iTunes before I can get to wherever you've stashed the pause button.

All of you wish Nie Nie a speedy recovery anticipate her return to her Dialogues.

You post a bunch of pictures of your kids. I'm convinced that the only possible reason you post so many images of the exact same moment in your child's life is that your kids have nineteen sets of grandparents scattered from here to Pluto The Satellite and you're doing your darndest to satiate their grandbaby needs. I get it. Grandparents are needy folk. It's the kind thing to do.

Sometimes you post photos of your house and I feel a slightly awkward when I scroll down, and right there on your blog, without live subjects to adorn it, is a photo of the bed you share with your spouse. (Overall, it's a little bit creepy when you photograph every room of your abode just to show me how its furnished. I feel like I should at least take off my shoes since you just vacuumed.)

You all read Twilight and saw the movie 34 times. It's cool; I read the books and saw the flick myself. I'm not obsessed with Edward, but if he's what helps you crawl out of bed in the morning, okey dokey.

You scrapbook, and I would rather gargle and chug an entire bathtub of mayonnaise than get out the brads, pinking shears, and patterned paper. (Okay, that was '09's most significant hyperbole thus far. I would rather be forced (for forced I would be) to scrapbook my every moment than go within 6,000 miles of a bathtub of mayonnaise.)

You love you husband. A lot. And good for you.

You read CJane.

When you get saucy and post about what chaps your hide, I gain respect for you. Get it out, girl!

When you swear, I appreciate your humanity.

Sometimes you put a baby counter on you sidebar. And I forgive you, for like your cursing demonstrates, you're only human.

There are times you post a killer recipe, and if it's Veg I consider (but only that, for I'm no cook) making it.

You love Rookie Cookie, and right on, for you should.

Sometimes you get your Mama Bear on and go private, and though it's a hassle, I understand if it's right for you. I add you to my growing "Private" folder and do my best to visit often.

Sometimes you solicit my KnuckleHeaders services. For that, I thank you.

I'm absolutely giddy when you post a photo that is actually art.

When you write something I wish I'd thought of first, I tell my husband about it. Speaking of which, The Husband, though he's never read you or met you, he knows who you are; sometimes you even make our dinner-date conversation.

I'm happy for you when you buy you first house. And when your husband's job moves you away from friends and family, I'm bummed on your behalf.

I love it when you post a picture of your dog. Especially if it's a small one.

But when you post about potty training your kids, I sort of wish you'd just delete your blog altogether.

And you all do it.

And I beg of you to stop.

It's urine and excrement, ladies. And without you saying so, we already know that it's your goal that your child crap in the crapper and stop wetting their Underoos. As soon as is possible. And, though you might be under the (mis)conception that you are the only family that does this, you don't need to tell us about how you give presents, throw candy, offer Target gift cards, do the Macarena, sing the Hallelujah chorus, and invite the neighbors over for cake and ice cream when your kid does naughty potty in the appropriate location; 'cause see, every single fetchin' parent does the same thing.

So enough already.
• • •

A post-post addition prompted by six or seven emails received within a mere hour of clicking "Publish Post" on this particular Remarks from Sparks gem:

Yup, it's awfully irreverent in here. It's sorta what I do. There's a point: in times such as these (and in times of plenty and pleasure too) we need to laugh at ourselves. So please, step back, unknot those knickers and realize that as people, bloggers, women and readers our similarities and the things that make us different can be pretty hilarious and sometimes poignant. I comment on and mock 'em, and it's all in fun. Did I intentionally offend you specifically? No sir. Did your blog spark the post? Nope. Do I remember a post from your blog that was the impetus of my sitting down to write this ditty slash diatribe? I wish I had that kind of memory, but I don't. Do I behave like this often? Yeah. Do I censor myself? Slightly. I have to be a quite a bit more ladylike in life offline, so a bit of bad behavior is what I use this here space for.

32 comments:

Keli'i and Megan said...

Ah, Megan, love the attitude. But seriously, you also post about excrements...you're even THANKFUL for them. So why are you so offended? But yes, we (meaning parents...26 year old ones) can all be categorized into your specifications. That's a little mind blowing to me. I better reassess my life! And I also think it's funny that you like the pictures (no matter how many) of the little dogs people have...but not of the kids! And I definitely agree about your scrapbooking comment! YUCK! I hate that!

meg said...

Ah, my friend Megan (Megans are wonderful things), you are right. You make a good point. I do appreciate the fact that we humans can rid our bodies of waste. I'm even thankful for it. It could have something to with the fact that as part of my job I promote products that make your colon function properly (drug reps have sweet lives, huh?). I talk about fecal waste removal kindly in a medical sense. I have to say that most parents (or more like none that I've ever read) aren't saying they're thrilled about their kid carrying out the medical necessisty of a BM. They just want to tell us all that they're doin' it where they oughta. (Some of the more, uhm, pathetic ones even use their blog space to outright brag about when their kid ditched diapers).

When parents get verbose on how their kid finally pooped in the potty, even post a photo of the first proper turd (a wretched word but just worked there for me) seated nicely in the family chamber pot that I have to say: Hey, we get it! We get that you are thrilled that your kid did its business in the toilet. But that's just a little too personal (even for me!), and I'm sayin' that the way you hoot, holler and celebrate ain't unique. A sad thing, to be sure, but its simply the way of things.

And you're right, I know I'm one of those crazy dog people. I never wanted to be, but then I got the Soph and there was no going back. I should hang my inflated head in shame.

Whitney said...

Don't know you.
Found your blog through C-Jane.
You make me laugh.
Love it!

Keli'i and Megan said...

Megan, just wanted to be sure you know that I'm certainly NOT offended by your post! I love your blog! And read it all the time! And I think you're wonderful too! I've never known anyone as sassy, smart and funny as you. I hope you already know that though. Just wanted you to know that you always make me laugh, and this particular post made me reflect on MY own life. I thought, "Wow, do I really fit the mold THAT much? I seriously better start writing again. And NOT about my kids!" And yes, the potty training bit gets super old, even for me!

Tricia said...

for the record.....i boycotted twilight. and have never posted pictures of my kids on the crapper.

everything else though....pretty much right on. yikes.

and you have hit the big time now....... earning well-deserved accolades from cjane!

congratulations! I'm sure you'll be bombarded with many requests for blog beautification, and have many a satisified customer.

great job!

polkadotmama said...

so like i am sure many others will today, i got to your blog from cjane. and the first entry i read is this one, and i think, did she know i was coming? quite funny. your humor is similar to my own...not offended in the least, the truth hurts, but is pretty funny to say the least.

Megs said...

None of my 3 children are potty trained, but you can bet when I'm finally done with diapers I'll be sorely tempted to do the post to end all posts on that every event. I think when your little dog Sophie gets potty trained you'll understand.

yeah, you got all of us pegged. All of us.

bird on the lawn said...

holy comments. this is about as good as the breast feeding post....or the one with the little scrappers in the church aisle.

Elizabeth said...

Funny... very funny!

Before I was a Mom, I was so disgusted when my sisters talked about poop all the time. I swore that I would NEVER talk about it. Now that I'm a Mom, I talk about it all the time. I'm still pretty new to blogging, so I haven't talked about it there yet, and don't plan to.

But I've learned, never say never.

Dee said...

you are witty and i LOVE cjane which is obviously what got me here. when she mentioned your blog i knew it would be good and as expected it is. i agree TOTALLY about the potty training. But of course like any good blogger I wanted to bring something to your attention (nicely) there are MANY bloggers who are not 26, or 27 or even fall in the category of the next decade but still love to read what you have to say. and I bet you would enjoy reading some of what we have to say and you can be assured there will not be any potty training posts but i guess on the down side there could be some posts about, well... i guess it DEPENDS what you are looking for :-)

meg said...

Megan, I knew you weren't offended. I just needed to acknowledge that you made a good point.

Megs, I simply must clarify: Soph is very much potty trained. Perhaps, I don't relate to boasting about human potty training because we've been out of the puppy house-breaking phase for a year and a half or so.

Elizabeth, you're dead right: never say never. Never.

Dee, I must say that I used "I am 26. So are you. Or there abouts." for the sake of cadence. I do read blogs of women (and men, come to think of it) that aren't my age and are plenty engaging. It pleases me that you're not still potty training young ones at that like stage.

Morgan said...

i love the way your posts bring people to admittance.

Whitney Kaye said...

You just made my day. Oh, for sure, made it.

Elizabeth said...

Did I just post a comment on a stranger's blog and use the word "poop"???

BRE said...

HAHA loved it! i don't remember how i stumbled upon your blog. but it was a relief after reading a friends aforementioned potty post!

rabidrunner said...

You've just inspired me to write a potty training post. (Complete with words like doodoo, peepee, turd, and toitey).

rabidrunner said...

By the way, now that you've made the big time with a CJane reference (I believe that might be your second, or third...), will you still remember the little people?

Kelly Mo said...

You read my blog? Cool!

rookie cookie said...

Isn't Whitney Kaye beautiful?

Kar said...

I received your check today. Many thanks. Your disc is on it's way.

Tasha said...

I love this post! I found you throgh cjane. I get a little uncomfortable too, when people show pictures of their houses, I don't know why!

gammydi@gmail.com said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sorry you had to hear this, but... said...

dearest gammy, just because you want to post it doesn't mean it is post worthy.

and another thing, remarks from sparks doesn't do well with people telling her what to think and do. read some of her archives. she will make everyone hate you. just a tip, mum.

sorry you had to hear this, but... said...

and the pregnancy countdowns are weird. it looks like a floating alien. gross.

Michelle said...

I absolutely loved this post. It is everything I think about when reading other people's blogs summarized quite eloquently! I couldn't have said it any better myself. ESPECIALLY the part about potty training. I have one approaching that stage myself but I balk at the idea of actually posting about it! Thanks for the great wit and humor.. needed it today!

3 for girls said...

I'd like to say that I'm one of cjane's readers who is a first and last time reader of your blog. I don't even blog about the stuff you make fun of here, but I'm a mother who appreciates good humor that doesn't center around making fun of people, but instead focuses on uplifting people. David Letterman is mean; Jay Leno is funny without being mean. They both have loyal followings, and I imagine that you will, too (if you don't already). I know that you probably don't care about my opinion, but I was surprised to see that every single comment supported your post..I felt I should represent those of us who appreciate a good sense of humor without degradation.

D. said...

3 for girls you rock!

bird on the lawn said...

Megan= Letterman and Leno. I like it.

wild child said...

Love your sass girl. LOVE. IT. But you need to work on not holding back. Say what you really mean. You'll feel much better getting it all out ;)

tee hee

Megan
wild child
www.megibug.blogspot.com

cat+tadd said...

Yup, that's my sis. Also, may it be known that my husband invented the term "naughty potty". I'm so proud.

Jill C said...

I got the CHRISTMAS card that had four, yes FOUR, references to their children's excellence in potty training.
They also referred to the kiddos as "ankle biting poop machines".
Do you people even like your kids?

Maria said...

I just came across this post now (3 months after it was written) and have to say that you should adopt your own policy when it comes to things you read that you do not like, or want to see/hear about. Don't read it! Right? I for one have posted about my sons potty training issues - because it is something funny and memorable for HIM. My blog (which I am sure is the same for many other moms out there) was started for my kids - a journal for them to one day read, so they know what they were like, funny things they did, etc when they were little. Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy when strangers pass by and leave a comment or read a post, but I am not writing for strangers, I am writing for my kids and my family.