Friday, May 2, 2008

STINKY SUNDAY

(Preamble: so I don't alienate through confusion, know that this post is rife with Mormon jargon. 'Cause I am one. A Mormon, that is.)

It’s the beginning of May. We have ourselves a brand new month. That means the first Sunday of the month is right around the corner. That means we all have the privilege of skipping a meal or two in the name of obedience. That means we will be blessed beyond our wildest dreams.

Thing is, Fast Sunday smells awful.

For the scent of a Sunday fasting is the aroma of stomach acid.

On the month's first Sunday, I sit in the chapel dreading each hymn for the stench that invariably spills forth as a hundred-plus hungry mouths open to sing their praises the Lord.

So long as you arrive a titch late, thus avoiding the close quarters pre-meeting chat, things are fine until the chorister rises and the organists slips off her pumps—it’s then, with the first refrain of “I Need thee Every Hour,” that the chapel becomes acrid.

Often, I pat myself on the back for—yet again—genuinely forgetting to skip breakfast. Because I snarfed my vanilla protein shake that morning, I’m not one of those with the fumes of festering stomach acid wafting from my singing orifice—no, no, my stomach acid is busy digesting my contraband meal. Now, I realize that blessing-wise, because my body has the ability to fast healthily, I’m that much worse off than those whose breath makes me wrinkle my nicely-shaped nose, but couldn’t we please at least make it a Church-wide policy to hand out sticks of spearmint with the programs on each Hungry Sunday?

3 comments:

Andrea said...

Wanna know what's cool? When you are breastfeeding you can't fast! In fact, you are supposed to injest more calories since your body is working harder than ususal. Just another reason to have a baby!

whit. ing. said...

You suck at blogging. You need to post at the same time everyday so I know when to look.

p.s. Ethan laughed like crazy last night when he read your most recent posts. He loves your word usage.

birdonthelawn said...

YES!!!!!!
it is true true true. and in my most delicate condition i almost want to stay home!
and- all apologies about the unreplied email- YES i mean it and i am prepared to fight the bore to chat and laugh.
i'll call soon.